One of the biggest mistakes I see among wildland firefighters and their spouses or significant other, is the lack of communication about the truths of the life and what it truly means being married to a wildland firefighter. I see many relationships end, because the other person had no idea what they were getting into and really no understanding of this life.
One of the most important tools in any relationship is communication. If you don’t talk to each other, it’s not going to do you any good in the future. Some firefighters are really good at explaining their job and what the life entails to their person. Other’s not so much, and then they end up with a broken heart or a divorce, because their spouse couldn’t handle the life.
Something my husband wanted to do before we were married, was to make sure that I could handle a fire season. At first, I was a little offended. I knew who I was and what I could handle. I’d been a loner girl and independent for years. I had just moved back to Wyoming and bought my own house like please I could handle anything. This and more raced through my mind as he told me this. Instead of getting upset, I listened and let him explain why he wanted it that way. I completely understood and to this day I agree with his request.
It was a very long summer and fall, but winter came and along with it a proposal. We had survived. We survived almost 500 miles apart, as many phone calls as possible, late nights, and months without seeing each other. Challenges that would break many relationships seemed to only make ours stronger.
During the summer I thought long and hard about my future and what I wanted out of life. I knew that by marrying this man, I would be living most of my life without him. My favorite holiday, the 4th of July, and my favorite time of year would be spent alone, well without him for the majority of it, for a very long time. The things I loved to do, the camping, the pack trips, hiking, most of these things, I would end having to do by without my man for the majority of the time. There are exceptions and some days off, but it does make things a challenge. (I’ll get to this) Plus, many other factors. In the end, I decided that the sacrifices were worth it, because I loved this man so very much, no matter what career he had chosen, I wanted him to be a part of my life.
I think that sometimes we get so caught up in the heat of the moment, that we forget to take a step back and truly evaluate the situation. Really think about and picture life before we make a decision. I see this happen a lot with relationships to wildland firefighters, and sometimes I think that people just settle for less than what they deserve or could have, because they get so blinded by love they forget about the realities of life. Some may also enter this life after they are married. Husband or wife may decide to try wildland fire and fall in love, but maybe the conversations about what life will be like once that transition is made never happen. I also know several couples who are both in fire and that is also a whole other challenge within itself! Some make it, and some don’t.
If you are in any of these situations. I suggest taking that step back and really communicating about your life, your wants, your needs, on both sides, before you step into this world of flames. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE. If you have trouble talking to each other, find someone who can help you. Sometimes it takes a couple who has been in the fire life for a while to help open up some questions that maybe aren’t being thought of, or who are just there to help you get the conversation started.
This is my biggest piece of advice I can give. Any relationship is going to fail if there is no communication. But a relationship involving a wildland firefighter will fall apart if both of you aren’t on the same page and have the same understanding. This goes vice versa too. Guys if you don’t listen to your spouse and her needs on the home front, you will struggle just as much as she will, or already does.
Be open to those difficult conversations and most of all be honest with each other and yourself and don’t forget to take that step back and to evaluate the situation before you walk through those flames.